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Perfectionism

I felt that today was a pretty tiring day, although I did nothing much. Waking up considerably early is one thing. But even more draining is the feeling of nervousness before playing/doing something in front of a large group of people. Felt the same way when preparing the stuff for BB lifeskills camp. =S

One thing that really bugs me is my tendency to expect perfectionism from myself, each and every thing I do. Even when it comes to something simple like playing a song on the piano. I'd talked it over to myself countless times, telling myself that God was in control and that He would help me, but that didn't stop me running through the notes and fingerings again and again in my mind. Practically through most of the service I had this tune stuck in my head.

And that has sort of set the mood for this period where I'm becoming more free (in terms of NS). I'm feeling because of this problem of mine all the things I'm getting involved in will encumber me, make me tire out too easily and worse of all make my journey with Him seem meaningless.

In the past, being involved in all those things didn't make me feel this way because my ownership of those things was sometimes shared. Doing the PA in JPS, RIGE, RJGE, RR, Eden-Sol, and so many more things that I've contributed to are examples of what I've had to share. Perhaps at that point of time maturity to take up real ownership hadn't come just yet. But now when I feel that I'm grabbing a lot of things with my own grown-up hands it makes me see the consequences of just letting go.

BB. YE. MM. I'm beginning to see the big picture. But most of all, it looks more like a battle with myself that I have to overcome, than a battle against anything else. God help me.

***

Its been ages since I've seen how different I am from my peers. I guess recently I've gotten quite a knack for fitting in... But today, it was refreshing for me in a way to see that my own identity is very special. And over and above that, that despite my unique nature I have a great group of friends who still accept me for who I am. =)

I just hope that I didn't come across as too harsh or anything like that when I spoke. =P

We still have a lot of things to discuss I guess. But slowly (and surely) I'm beginning to see the finished puzzle. And it looks good to me!

***

On a side note... Should I go for the special term offered by NUS or not?

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