550th post!
Firstly, wishing everyone a happy new year... My countdown was alright I guess. Was at SYC party, and too many party games got me really tired and feeling a bit out of sorts. Effects of being a strong introvert. But I'm glad for the friendships I have there. Most recent new years I'd just stay at home for my own sake, cos I'd feel more empowered, but spending it with them was alright! =)
If 2009 for me was represented by the word "choice", the word representing 2010 would be "ownership", for its this year when I really found myself emotionally attached to the choices that I've made. In a sense, I've grown up from the times where all the decisions were either made for me, influenced by others, a natural progression or partially owned by others with the same ideals. It feels like I'm finally standing on my own feet. Taking responsibility of my own choices and moving with them faithfully with my own 2 hands.
Whilst at almost every leaders meeting, I've surprised myself by speaking up strongly about certain issues. Without real ownership I'd just be my laid back, accepting self. In a way ownership has helped me learn more about my own ethos: the principles I've chosen to live my life with, and also helped me feel strongly about things that I never thought I'd stand up for.
Becoming a CGL in YE was my first real choice ever, and joining SERVE was my second. My uni modules were my third. And I'm glad that within all that God was there for me, and He was in control. I've not yet come to regret any of these decisions, and will continue to work hard on them for the coming year.
But in the midst of all that I've discovered my inner demons... Loneliness and self reproach, the 2 things threatening to tear me from the inside out. It was in April that loneliness was at its worst, and when I cried out to God. SERVE was over, and it felt like no one truly understood who I was, not even my new friends. They appreciated my capabilities, my personality and my eccentricities, but there wasn't anyone who seemed to understand why I was this way. Until that time, I'd never found anyone who truly understood.
So I'm glad I got to know Vanessa better. She's the first person in my life who really understands. Thank you.
Before SERVE mission trip, and during church camp, self reproach strangled me, blaming me for my inadequacies, mistakes and poor self control. The word "Sinner" screamed at me at those moments. I felt weak and suffocated. Despite having pride in my sense of righteousness and honour, I was still... Not good enough. It just seemed like the better and stronger I got the more pain I took away from my mistakes.
I've made up my mind that 2011 shall be a year to deal with these demons, and I hope for success. Not to quell them, because they are a part of my very existence, but to live in peace with them.
Finally not forgetting my simple goals... Jap is well on its way. So only have to deal with sign lang (which I've neglected) and writing a good story (which I've kept on dropping halfway). Most importantly training my successor...
Here I come 2011. Nothing is impossible with God: Jeremiah 32:17.
Firstly, wishing everyone a happy new year... My countdown was alright I guess. Was at SYC party, and too many party games got me really tired and feeling a bit out of sorts. Effects of being a strong introvert. But I'm glad for the friendships I have there. Most recent new years I'd just stay at home for my own sake, cos I'd feel more empowered, but spending it with them was alright! =)
If 2009 for me was represented by the word "choice", the word representing 2010 would be "ownership", for its this year when I really found myself emotionally attached to the choices that I've made. In a sense, I've grown up from the times where all the decisions were either made for me, influenced by others, a natural progression or partially owned by others with the same ideals. It feels like I'm finally standing on my own feet. Taking responsibility of my own choices and moving with them faithfully with my own 2 hands.
Whilst at almost every leaders meeting, I've surprised myself by speaking up strongly about certain issues. Without real ownership I'd just be my laid back, accepting self. In a way ownership has helped me learn more about my own ethos: the principles I've chosen to live my life with, and also helped me feel strongly about things that I never thought I'd stand up for.
Becoming a CGL in YE was my first real choice ever, and joining SERVE was my second. My uni modules were my third. And I'm glad that within all that God was there for me, and He was in control. I've not yet come to regret any of these decisions, and will continue to work hard on them for the coming year.
But in the midst of all that I've discovered my inner demons... Loneliness and self reproach, the 2 things threatening to tear me from the inside out. It was in April that loneliness was at its worst, and when I cried out to God. SERVE was over, and it felt like no one truly understood who I was, not even my new friends. They appreciated my capabilities, my personality and my eccentricities, but there wasn't anyone who seemed to understand why I was this way. Until that time, I'd never found anyone who truly understood.
So I'm glad I got to know Vanessa better. She's the first person in my life who really understands. Thank you.
Before SERVE mission trip, and during church camp, self reproach strangled me, blaming me for my inadequacies, mistakes and poor self control. The word "Sinner" screamed at me at those moments. I felt weak and suffocated. Despite having pride in my sense of righteousness and honour, I was still... Not good enough. It just seemed like the better and stronger I got the more pain I took away from my mistakes.
I've made up my mind that 2011 shall be a year to deal with these demons, and I hope for success. Not to quell them, because they are a part of my very existence, but to live in peace with them.
Finally not forgetting my simple goals... Jap is well on its way. So only have to deal with sign lang (which I've neglected) and writing a good story (which I've kept on dropping halfway). Most importantly training my successor...
Here I come 2011. Nothing is impossible with God: Jeremiah 32:17.
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