Warning! Angsty Post.
4 more days... Final Stretch! The race is nearly done. And I'm glad.
But its been one horrible week after another. Its so weird how once one thing crumbles, everything else seems to crumble and fall to pieces. And I'll have to admit to myself... I'm getting depressed. Even though I act as if nothing has happened and I seem to look alright. The pain is still growing, gnawing and consuming me. Time to get rid of it, right here right now.
***
S03H
Fantastic. Civics on Tuesday was about being a role model. Made me wonder whether I've been a good one. I don't think so. Those younger kids, those friends that look up to me... Have they lost all respect for me? Something tells me... The answer is yes. At least I don't feel the respect any more. I don't feel like I'm being acknowledged, or understood by anyone. Some actions I do aren't as good as I thought. Things I did and thought were right to do turned out horribly wrong. I just don't know. What should I do?
Friday. Wonderful. NAPFA. First time in my whole life I'd failed NAPFA on my first try. The problem? Pull ups and sit and reach. No one to blame except myself. For having so many commitments that I barely have the time to train at home, get so tired easily that I give up working out, and decided to focus on other things. Cos I'd have to retake, I gave up during 2.4. Just didn't find any reason to continue any more.
PW results. Best sia. C. Yeah you heard me. A C. What did I do to deserve it? I worked my socks off till late at night, I put in my best effort, and all I get is a miserable C. There were 3 Cs and 2Bs in my group. What did we all do to deserve that? I don't get it. We were well organised, we didn't fight at all, the team dynamics were so good, we stuck to schedule, we were very hardworking. The problem seems to be the report. I wonder why. Was it because we dealt with education? Something that all the invigilators were so used to that they brushed it away immediately? Or because or report that was okayed by our teacher mentor was so incoherent that they didn't bother to read it? Whatever. I have no reason to fight over a grade.
Woah Chem class today. Surprise surprise. Mr Wong slammed us for getting C. What? Claimed that it was our work ethic that did us in. All because we didn't put in enough effort, wasn't conscientious enough. What? That hurt. Getting a C wasn't the problem. It was the fact that we worked so hard, didn't get something we deserved, and then got maligned like that that pierced me. I wanted to storm out of the class. But whatever.
***
YE
YE? Awesome. For the number dunno what time I saw tears. Tears of stress, tears of panic, tears of sorrow. My heart was torn. How many times must people cry and nothing be done to help our dear WLs to relax and relieve their stress? Lack of WLs. I wonder why thats happening. We need a bit more discipline, a bit more understanding of what they're going through.
Gerald was right. On Good Friday I shared the same concern as he had on Sunday. Was materialism, superficiality and friendship becoming the main focus of YE? My acid test proved that at least the focus of some people from YE was indeed God. I was glad. But what about the others? Did they come to YE just for the sake of their friends? Have they lost focus? If YE were collapsed, would everyone still be as close to God? Was everyone just in YE because they liked it?
It pained me to see Gerald like that. Especially so close to his birthday. I've been inadequate, I couldn't help him, I couldn't fufill my duty as a leader in the church. I've let God down. I wasn't firm enough, I wasn't disciplined enough. And I wonder if the people in the worship ministry feel the same way. Wonder if they'd just agreed with Gerald and let the matter rest. Wonder if they'd felt guilty. And right now I'm wondering whether they're worried about the state that YE is currently in.
If you are as worried as I am, good. Please work harder to get closer to God. Pray to him continually, do your QT, and speak to him through songs. Learn to trust him and put him first and not be idol worshippers, murderers or the sexually immoral.
***
Eden-Sol
RR concert was good. Finally, some solace in the midst of the storm. Everything came together through prayer. The only good highlight of this otherwise terrible week. Kudos to all RR people. Good job Eden-Sol. By seeking God, we did something I can't seem to achieve now. Find peace, and find strength.
***
Reflections
Well for 10 odd days... I've been feeling so sad. Everything has just seemed so unreal. Like daggers piercing me. Some of you guys maybe wondering... Its only a few problems what... Why emo until like that? Hope you understand how I feel after this.
1. When the 1st floor crumbles, the entire building comes crashing to earth.
Its so amazing. I've never been disappointed bymost things happening in my life till now. And when I start getting disappointed, everything starts to disappoint me, start to fail all together, and start to crash in on me. Not even one aspect of my life was spared from destruction. Studies, faith, friendship, commitments. When something falls, everything falls together with it.
2. The Irony of It All
It all started on the day I recommitted my life to God once again. How ironic. I promised to start again, and do my best and utmost to serve the Lord. Yeah and soon after that everything crumbled. And I see my inadequacies, my failures and my shortcomings all around me. And the promise I made was broken on the very same day.
3. Punishment or Trial?
I wonder why this is happening. Is it because I've done something wrong? If so what? Or is it a trial, meant to test my faith amidst all odds? I don't know. If only I knew, then I'd know what steps to take to change, how to act, how to handle this. But because of this I can't do anything to help myself feel better, and I don't know what to do to please God and show His glory.
4. Solitude.
Just as all His disciples left Jesus, I feel that everyone has left me to fend for myself. Yes, they ask me how I'm doing. But... I don't think they can truly understand how I feel. To have every single thing fail at one go... Is quite impossible by human standards. It seems that some friends have disappeared, some have turned against me, some have lost respect for me. Even if they do want to help, how?
5. Old wounds keep reopening.
Ouch. When something seems to have gone past, and you're waiting for the scars to heal... Someone is bound to accidentally brush past and reopen those wounds again. Thats just the way of the world. They won't know they've hit something sensitive unless you angst at them, and you don't want to angst at anyone.
6. The blame game.
As much as you wanna blame someone else, theres nobody to blame except yourself, and perhaps the terrible circumstances. Your inadequacies got you to where you are, and its only through God's grace that you can be washed free of sin again. It feels like its all my fault, and the burden on me is so heavy.
Previous Week ~ STRIKE ONE!
Last Week ~ STRIKE TWO!
This Week ~ Strike three? I'm out? We'll see.
***
Now that I'm done with the angst... I got some requests. Thank you for reading up till here and bearing with all the anger, hurt and pain.
Request #1
This post was meant to be a vent. So that means... I don't want to reminded of any of these things ever again. So if you've read this. Do not talk to me about it. If you want me to continue smiling and acting as if nothing happened, help me forget about it and move on.
Request #2
I'd appreciate it if no one discussed this post openly and make it into a public debate.
Request #3
If its ok I'd like to meet you for lunch on Friday Shirley. Need some time to talk and seek advice from a much more mature person in Christ. Thanks for your message. It was quite timely.
Request #4
Prayer. For peace, for happiness, for renewed self confidence. For endurance, for reconciliation, for renewal. For perseverence, for strength, for understanding.
Request #5
Forgive me if I have done anything wrong against you. Otherwise I would not be able to enter the Lord's sanctuary with peace of heart.
***
Ichigo... Will they leave you? Chad, Orihime, Ishida, Rukia, Renji? All of them? I wonder.
I feel like Job, and I want to be like him. He lost everything, and yet he never blamed God, not even once. Teach me to be like him Lord, and just look to you no matter what. Who knows when the pain will fade away? Only you Lord, who knitted me in my mothers womb, who knows the number of hairs on my head, and created me beautifully and wonderfully. Praise to Christ our Lord. Amen.
4 more days... Final Stretch! The race is nearly done. And I'm glad.
But its been one horrible week after another. Its so weird how once one thing crumbles, everything else seems to crumble and fall to pieces. And I'll have to admit to myself... I'm getting depressed. Even though I act as if nothing has happened and I seem to look alright. The pain is still growing, gnawing and consuming me. Time to get rid of it, right here right now.
***
S03H
Fantastic. Civics on Tuesday was about being a role model. Made me wonder whether I've been a good one. I don't think so. Those younger kids, those friends that look up to me... Have they lost all respect for me? Something tells me... The answer is yes. At least I don't feel the respect any more. I don't feel like I'm being acknowledged, or understood by anyone. Some actions I do aren't as good as I thought. Things I did and thought were right to do turned out horribly wrong. I just don't know. What should I do?
Friday. Wonderful. NAPFA. First time in my whole life I'd failed NAPFA on my first try. The problem? Pull ups and sit and reach. No one to blame except myself. For having so many commitments that I barely have the time to train at home, get so tired easily that I give up working out, and decided to focus on other things. Cos I'd have to retake, I gave up during 2.4. Just didn't find any reason to continue any more.
PW results. Best sia. C. Yeah you heard me. A C. What did I do to deserve it? I worked my socks off till late at night, I put in my best effort, and all I get is a miserable C. There were 3 Cs and 2Bs in my group. What did we all do to deserve that? I don't get it. We were well organised, we didn't fight at all, the team dynamics were so good, we stuck to schedule, we were very hardworking. The problem seems to be the report. I wonder why. Was it because we dealt with education? Something that all the invigilators were so used to that they brushed it away immediately? Or because or report that was okayed by our teacher mentor was so incoherent that they didn't bother to read it? Whatever. I have no reason to fight over a grade.
Woah Chem class today. Surprise surprise. Mr Wong slammed us for getting C. What? Claimed that it was our work ethic that did us in. All because we didn't put in enough effort, wasn't conscientious enough. What? That hurt. Getting a C wasn't the problem. It was the fact that we worked so hard, didn't get something we deserved, and then got maligned like that that pierced me. I wanted to storm out of the class. But whatever.
***
YE
YE? Awesome. For the number dunno what time I saw tears. Tears of stress, tears of panic, tears of sorrow. My heart was torn. How many times must people cry and nothing be done to help our dear WLs to relax and relieve their stress? Lack of WLs. I wonder why thats happening. We need a bit more discipline, a bit more understanding of what they're going through.
Gerald was right. On Good Friday I shared the same concern as he had on Sunday. Was materialism, superficiality and friendship becoming the main focus of YE? My acid test proved that at least the focus of some people from YE was indeed God. I was glad. But what about the others? Did they come to YE just for the sake of their friends? Have they lost focus? If YE were collapsed, would everyone still be as close to God? Was everyone just in YE because they liked it?
It pained me to see Gerald like that. Especially so close to his birthday. I've been inadequate, I couldn't help him, I couldn't fufill my duty as a leader in the church. I've let God down. I wasn't firm enough, I wasn't disciplined enough. And I wonder if the people in the worship ministry feel the same way. Wonder if they'd just agreed with Gerald and let the matter rest. Wonder if they'd felt guilty. And right now I'm wondering whether they're worried about the state that YE is currently in.
If you are as worried as I am, good. Please work harder to get closer to God. Pray to him continually, do your QT, and speak to him through songs. Learn to trust him and put him first and not be idol worshippers, murderers or the sexually immoral.
***
Eden-Sol
RR concert was good. Finally, some solace in the midst of the storm. Everything came together through prayer. The only good highlight of this otherwise terrible week. Kudos to all RR people. Good job Eden-Sol. By seeking God, we did something I can't seem to achieve now. Find peace, and find strength.
***
Reflections
Well for 10 odd days... I've been feeling so sad. Everything has just seemed so unreal. Like daggers piercing me. Some of you guys maybe wondering... Its only a few problems what... Why emo until like that? Hope you understand how I feel after this.
1. When the 1st floor crumbles, the entire building comes crashing to earth.
Its so amazing. I've never been disappointed bymost things happening in my life till now. And when I start getting disappointed, everything starts to disappoint me, start to fail all together, and start to crash in on me. Not even one aspect of my life was spared from destruction. Studies, faith, friendship, commitments. When something falls, everything falls together with it.
2. The Irony of It All
It all started on the day I recommitted my life to God once again. How ironic. I promised to start again, and do my best and utmost to serve the Lord. Yeah and soon after that everything crumbled. And I see my inadequacies, my failures and my shortcomings all around me. And the promise I made was broken on the very same day.
3. Punishment or Trial?
I wonder why this is happening. Is it because I've done something wrong? If so what? Or is it a trial, meant to test my faith amidst all odds? I don't know. If only I knew, then I'd know what steps to take to change, how to act, how to handle this. But because of this I can't do anything to help myself feel better, and I don't know what to do to please God and show His glory.
4. Solitude.
Just as all His disciples left Jesus, I feel that everyone has left me to fend for myself. Yes, they ask me how I'm doing. But... I don't think they can truly understand how I feel. To have every single thing fail at one go... Is quite impossible by human standards. It seems that some friends have disappeared, some have turned against me, some have lost respect for me. Even if they do want to help, how?
5. Old wounds keep reopening.
Ouch. When something seems to have gone past, and you're waiting for the scars to heal... Someone is bound to accidentally brush past and reopen those wounds again. Thats just the way of the world. They won't know they've hit something sensitive unless you angst at them, and you don't want to angst at anyone.
6. The blame game.
As much as you wanna blame someone else, theres nobody to blame except yourself, and perhaps the terrible circumstances. Your inadequacies got you to where you are, and its only through God's grace that you can be washed free of sin again. It feels like its all my fault, and the burden on me is so heavy.
Previous Week ~ STRIKE ONE!
Last Week ~ STRIKE TWO!
This Week ~ Strike three? I'm out? We'll see.
***
Now that I'm done with the angst... I got some requests. Thank you for reading up till here and bearing with all the anger, hurt and pain.
Request #1
This post was meant to be a vent. So that means... I don't want to reminded of any of these things ever again. So if you've read this. Do not talk to me about it. If you want me to continue smiling and acting as if nothing happened, help me forget about it and move on.
Request #2
I'd appreciate it if no one discussed this post openly and make it into a public debate.
Request #3
If its ok I'd like to meet you for lunch on Friday Shirley. Need some time to talk and seek advice from a much more mature person in Christ. Thanks for your message. It was quite timely.
Request #4
Prayer. For peace, for happiness, for renewed self confidence. For endurance, for reconciliation, for renewal. For perseverence, for strength, for understanding.
Request #5
Forgive me if I have done anything wrong against you. Otherwise I would not be able to enter the Lord's sanctuary with peace of heart.
***
Ichigo... Will they leave you? Chad, Orihime, Ishida, Rukia, Renji? All of them? I wonder.
I feel like Job, and I want to be like him. He lost everything, and yet he never blamed God, not even once. Teach me to be like him Lord, and just look to you no matter what. Who knows when the pain will fade away? Only you Lord, who knitted me in my mothers womb, who knows the number of hairs on my head, and created me beautifully and wonderfully. Praise to Christ our Lord. Amen.
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