Well, as most of you now know I'm now in a relationship with Vanessa, and you may be wondering what went on between both of us. It was a journey that you may have seen hints and glimpses of on this blog, but there's more to it than that, a story of God's grace and His realness.
It was back in 2010, after serve. Serve showed me the power, capabilities and wisdom I had to do God's work, and convinced me that no matter what that He would always be with me. It was a boost of confidence, that gave me the bravery to step forward into new endeavors.
However because of that period in serve, I now strongly felt that I was different from the rest of the people I knew: I didn't enjoy what they enjoyed, I sometimes couldn't understand what they understood, and I didn't act how they acted. I had sensed it innately before, but the realness of that fact stood looming behind me, because even surrounded by people who loved God wholeheartedly like myself, I was different, when I expected all of us to be the same.
The awareness of the gulf between myself and the rest of the people around me drove me to loneliness, during which my only support was God. He satisfied me, but that nagging feeling would come back to haunt me again. I wrote a secret post about my inner demon of loneliness, and prayed countless times about it.
All that changed on the 7th of June, 2010. It was the annual BBGB camp that I'd been asked by aunty KF to help in. I went there, expecting to serve the children and help them learn new things. And it was there I talked with Vanessa for the first time. Initially Regina and Aaron were supposed to help out, but Vanessa too joined at the last minute. It was something she did on the spur of the moment, as it was nearby, and Regina had asked. So she showed me her poems, and I showed her my ipod with Japanese and Christian songs, and that's how everything started.
She told me what drew her to me was my response when she asked what I thought about her poems. I looked at them and out of the sincerity of my heart, said what I thought what the poems were expressing, and it turned out that it was exactly what she wanted to say through those poems. (This I found out later on after we got closer)
And so everyday at night after that, without fail, we'd talk online. About the day, our interests, our families and lots of things under the sun and most importantly our thoughts and emotions pertaining to many issues. We did lots of random things: play msn games, I told her bedtime stories, we played FB games, we had times of Q&A about each other, and I did math and chem questions for her. I thoroughly enjoyed those moments. She was not only becoming a close friend, but the only friend who truely understood me, and shared my sentiments on many things. The main thing that I found special was that our worldview and approach to our relationship with God was the same. Many other things overlapped: our personalities, interest in music, ethos, attitudes towards adversity and so on. I didn't realize it at first, but that demon of loneliness disappeared somewhere along the way.
Initially there wasn't much thought given to it, but one night I was drawn to share one of the things I'd learnt from QT that night with her, and at that moment it struck me. She was the answer to my prayer so many months ago, and God, in all His grace, had given her to me for that very reason. It was a stunning revelation from the Holy Spirit. After that realization I broke down in the shower, crying tears of joy and thanking God from the bottom of my heart. (As I'm typing this I've started crying. T.T)
But at that moment, she was still just a very close friend to me. Then one day, she invited me to witness her playing in her guzheng competition. It was the start of December. I made my way down, sat in the stands, and waited for her to come on stage. She was shining, dazzling even. Some musicians say that when someone plays an instrument, sometimes they can see part of the persons soul emanating from the sound of the music. And that was what I saw. A beautiful soul, uninhibited, trying her best to do her family, friends and God proud. That was the moment you could say I "fell in love".
When I went home I thought hard to myself, my heart pounding. Did I really want this girl to be with me for the future? I had lots to think about, many things to consider. I'd never move forward if God wasn't there, if I wasn't prepared and ready, and if I didn't think she was the perfect one. Was she?
I wrestled with all that, asked God and asked my heart and mind. Asking God in that time of waiting on Him, He brought about mental images of times I'd quoted the bible to comfort her and provide her counsel, and the times when she did the same for me, reminding me of God's everlasting love and His comfort. He brought memories of observing her leaps and bounds in the music ministry, and the song she wrote. Also of how upright she was and how her actions poured forth from God's will and His word. And finally how He'd brought us together. That was one tick on the checklist in my head.
Next my heart. The comfort I felt when we talked, that moment when I saw her playing at the concert. That was attraction right there. I wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I wanted her to be happy. Another tick. Lastly my mind. I ran through the qualities that I'd find attractive in a partner. Someone with a love for music, could cook, wore no or little makeup, dressed decently, was quiet yet respectful and strong, liked anime and japanese things, loved God with all her heart. That was the final tick. I knew for sure it was the right thing to do. Now for when.
I had no idea. I asked God, and with her Os looming, it did seem like a poor time. There was no answer. But one thing I knew, He'd brought us this far, and in His time He'd prompt us to act. But one thing I knew, was that I had to get stronger, able to support both myself and her at the same time, not just emotionally, but spiritually as well. I had to make sure I'd still put God first even with her by my side, and that's what I slowly and silently worked on.
I drew closer to her, and she did the same. And at that point somehow we just knew that it was an eventuality. I let myself get closer, to see if God was still foremost in my heart. I admit there were times my heart would flutter and see only her, but God always put it right almost immediately. Eventually I saw God beside us everytime we were together, and that's when I knew the balance of our relationship was right.
I started going over to her place to tutor her, encourage her and accompany her, and she came over once to experience what it was like in my family. Eventually we also started constructing our family altar, and its been in place ever since, with us sharing what we've learnt from QT to encourage each other every night. After I taught SYC on the sermon on the mount this verse has come to represent our relationship: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Not even our own moments of weakness and pain, will separate what God brought together in the first place.
Well, this post has been long. But I want to make clear my intentions for writing this post. Its not just to explain myself or keep people in the know, but give all glory to God. Its only right, for He has done so much for both of us, and is the one who brought us together. There's no doubt in my mind that He's a God who hears prayer, a God who knows our deepest needs, a God who gives strength in time of need, and a God who works for the best of those who love Him and wait on Him. This whole experience has been evidence of that. All glory to God.
One last thing: I love you, Vanessa. With all my heart, soul, mind and strength, not just with romantic feelings. Lets continue serving God together, always putting Him first, with an even stronger love than what we're giving each other. =D
It was back in 2010, after serve. Serve showed me the power, capabilities and wisdom I had to do God's work, and convinced me that no matter what that He would always be with me. It was a boost of confidence, that gave me the bravery to step forward into new endeavors.
However because of that period in serve, I now strongly felt that I was different from the rest of the people I knew: I didn't enjoy what they enjoyed, I sometimes couldn't understand what they understood, and I didn't act how they acted. I had sensed it innately before, but the realness of that fact stood looming behind me, because even surrounded by people who loved God wholeheartedly like myself, I was different, when I expected all of us to be the same.
The awareness of the gulf between myself and the rest of the people around me drove me to loneliness, during which my only support was God. He satisfied me, but that nagging feeling would come back to haunt me again. I wrote a secret post about my inner demon of loneliness, and prayed countless times about it.
All that changed on the 7th of June, 2010. It was the annual BBGB camp that I'd been asked by aunty KF to help in. I went there, expecting to serve the children and help them learn new things. And it was there I talked with Vanessa for the first time. Initially Regina and Aaron were supposed to help out, but Vanessa too joined at the last minute. It was something she did on the spur of the moment, as it was nearby, and Regina had asked. So she showed me her poems, and I showed her my ipod with Japanese and Christian songs, and that's how everything started.
She told me what drew her to me was my response when she asked what I thought about her poems. I looked at them and out of the sincerity of my heart, said what I thought what the poems were expressing, and it turned out that it was exactly what she wanted to say through those poems. (This I found out later on after we got closer)
And so everyday at night after that, without fail, we'd talk online. About the day, our interests, our families and lots of things under the sun and most importantly our thoughts and emotions pertaining to many issues. We did lots of random things: play msn games, I told her bedtime stories, we played FB games, we had times of Q&A about each other, and I did math and chem questions for her. I thoroughly enjoyed those moments. She was not only becoming a close friend, but the only friend who truely understood me, and shared my sentiments on many things. The main thing that I found special was that our worldview and approach to our relationship with God was the same. Many other things overlapped: our personalities, interest in music, ethos, attitudes towards adversity and so on. I didn't realize it at first, but that demon of loneliness disappeared somewhere along the way.
Initially there wasn't much thought given to it, but one night I was drawn to share one of the things I'd learnt from QT that night with her, and at that moment it struck me. She was the answer to my prayer so many months ago, and God, in all His grace, had given her to me for that very reason. It was a stunning revelation from the Holy Spirit. After that realization I broke down in the shower, crying tears of joy and thanking God from the bottom of my heart. (As I'm typing this I've started crying. T.T)
But at that moment, she was still just a very close friend to me. Then one day, she invited me to witness her playing in her guzheng competition. It was the start of December. I made my way down, sat in the stands, and waited for her to come on stage. She was shining, dazzling even. Some musicians say that when someone plays an instrument, sometimes they can see part of the persons soul emanating from the sound of the music. And that was what I saw. A beautiful soul, uninhibited, trying her best to do her family, friends and God proud. That was the moment you could say I "fell in love".
When I went home I thought hard to myself, my heart pounding. Did I really want this girl to be with me for the future? I had lots to think about, many things to consider. I'd never move forward if God wasn't there, if I wasn't prepared and ready, and if I didn't think she was the perfect one. Was she?
I wrestled with all that, asked God and asked my heart and mind. Asking God in that time of waiting on Him, He brought about mental images of times I'd quoted the bible to comfort her and provide her counsel, and the times when she did the same for me, reminding me of God's everlasting love and His comfort. He brought memories of observing her leaps and bounds in the music ministry, and the song she wrote. Also of how upright she was and how her actions poured forth from God's will and His word. And finally how He'd brought us together. That was one tick on the checklist in my head.
Next my heart. The comfort I felt when we talked, that moment when I saw her playing at the concert. That was attraction right there. I wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I wanted her to be happy. Another tick. Lastly my mind. I ran through the qualities that I'd find attractive in a partner. Someone with a love for music, could cook, wore no or little makeup, dressed decently, was quiet yet respectful and strong, liked anime and japanese things, loved God with all her heart. That was the final tick. I knew for sure it was the right thing to do. Now for when.
I had no idea. I asked God, and with her Os looming, it did seem like a poor time. There was no answer. But one thing I knew, He'd brought us this far, and in His time He'd prompt us to act. But one thing I knew, was that I had to get stronger, able to support both myself and her at the same time, not just emotionally, but spiritually as well. I had to make sure I'd still put God first even with her by my side, and that's what I slowly and silently worked on.
I drew closer to her, and she did the same. And at that point somehow we just knew that it was an eventuality. I let myself get closer, to see if God was still foremost in my heart. I admit there were times my heart would flutter and see only her, but God always put it right almost immediately. Eventually I saw God beside us everytime we were together, and that's when I knew the balance of our relationship was right.
I started going over to her place to tutor her, encourage her and accompany her, and she came over once to experience what it was like in my family. Eventually we also started constructing our family altar, and its been in place ever since, with us sharing what we've learnt from QT to encourage each other every night. After I taught SYC on the sermon on the mount this verse has come to represent our relationship: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Not even our own moments of weakness and pain, will separate what God brought together in the first place.
Well, this post has been long. But I want to make clear my intentions for writing this post. Its not just to explain myself or keep people in the know, but give all glory to God. Its only right, for He has done so much for both of us, and is the one who brought us together. There's no doubt in my mind that He's a God who hears prayer, a God who knows our deepest needs, a God who gives strength in time of need, and a God who works for the best of those who love Him and wait on Him. This whole experience has been evidence of that. All glory to God.
One last thing: I love you, Vanessa. With all my heart, soul, mind and strength, not just with romantic feelings. Lets continue serving God together, always putting Him first, with an even stronger love than what we're giving each other. =D
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