Skip to main content

Perfectionism

I felt that today was a pretty tiring day, although I did nothing much. Waking up considerably early is one thing. But even more draining is the feeling of nervousness before playing/doing something in front of a large group of people. Felt the same way when preparing the stuff for BB lifeskills camp. =S

One thing that really bugs me is my tendency to expect perfectionism from myself, each and every thing I do. Even when it comes to something simple like playing a song on the piano. I'd talked it over to myself countless times, telling myself that God was in control and that He would help me, but that didn't stop me running through the notes and fingerings again and again in my mind. Practically through most of the service I had this tune stuck in my head.

And that has sort of set the mood for this period where I'm becoming more free (in terms of NS). I'm feeling because of this problem of mine all the things I'm getting involved in will encumber me, make me tire out too easily and worse of all make my journey with Him seem meaningless.

In the past, being involved in all those things didn't make me feel this way because my ownership of those things was sometimes shared. Doing the PA in JPS, RIGE, RJGE, RR, Eden-Sol, and so many more things that I've contributed to are examples of what I've had to share. Perhaps at that point of time maturity to take up real ownership hadn't come just yet. But now when I feel that I'm grabbing a lot of things with my own grown-up hands it makes me see the consequences of just letting go.

BB. YE. MM. I'm beginning to see the big picture. But most of all, it looks more like a battle with myself that I have to overcome, than a battle against anything else. God help me.

***

Its been ages since I've seen how different I am from my peers. I guess recently I've gotten quite a knack for fitting in... But today, it was refreshing for me in a way to see that my own identity is very special. And over and above that, that despite my unique nature I have a great group of friends who still accept me for who I am. =)

I just hope that I didn't come across as too harsh or anything like that when I spoke. =P

We still have a lot of things to discuss I guess. But slowly (and surely) I'm beginning to see the finished puzzle. And it looks good to me!

***

On a side note... Should I go for the special term offered by NUS or not?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Genus 2005

Genus Concert went just fine... NUS Guitar Ensemble is really proded! I want to be like that! Lets see... The guitars I want to master are Acoustic, Bass and Classical! Yeah. Actually this year's Genus concert was a bit interesting. They played a Japanese song and some jazz, but most pieces were classical. The Alto runs were really fast. I could tell that the Guitaron player was good too... Saw Josh there! He was there with his HCJCGE Friends. He was sitting in the row in front of mine. Slept on the bus today and missed the loop. Haha. Well. Had to alight, cross the street and take the bus again. And theres this ulcer right in the middle of my middle lip. It hurts whenever I eat something. But I need my food... Ow. I think the heatiness I get from sleeping less hours caused the ulcer. Looking forward to I-Learning. Can sleep more. Haha. Champions League was crazy. I woke up and went to school to hear the results. ManU Lost 2-0 on aggregate to Ac Milan. Barcelona lost to Chelsea 4-5...
Post a Comment
Read more

Of God and Demons

Now that'd I've put my last phase of life past me and have some more time to reflect cos I'm C+ for the second time, I feel that it's the correct time to do a bit more reflection about my past, especially the last couple of years. I've always thought that one of the counseling exercises practiced would be helpful for me to process what I've been going through - that is to personify my negative emotions. In a sense to experience that final bit of release from these emotions that have threatened me for a long time. To talk about the inner demons that I've been facing.  Wrath. The fiercest of them all, yet gentlemanly in some ways, calculative in others. People usually imagine wrath to be brawny, in your face and belligerent. But my Wrath is more sinister, sly even. Plotting the downfall of my enemies and using the knowledge that I have to exact vengeance. Over the months I have exerted control of him by reminding myself that only God has the right to judge. De...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ride On

Recently things have been going really well. I've had a leadership position in my workplace for almost one year now and it is quite amazing how God has guided throughout the way. Despite this I feel that I have achieved the balance between my work, personal life and I'm in some sort of a flow that makes me satisfied about how things are going. I'm about to transition to another stage of it, and it feels that along the way God has prepared me each and every step. There's a lot to give thanks for.  Things are really cruising along. I've always liked a good, smooth drive and life feels that way at the moment. Its been a long time along a bumpy road but finally things feel right.  Praise be to God who calms the raging seas. Praise be to God who can be counted on for the hardest difficulties in life.  Not sure when the next post be, but I think if things carry on the way they are, more good posts are to come. 
Post a Comment
Read more